Monday, March 22, 2010
Clodagh - Final Chapter
Taken from Sushi for Beginners - Marian Keyes
As the lift doors opened, Lisa sharply nudged Ashling and sneered, 'Well, look who it is.'
It was - of all people - Clodagh, looking extremely nervous.
Clodagh stepped forward when Lisa left. 'Just tell me to get lost if you want, but I was wondering if we could talk.'
Ashling was helpless with shock and it took a while to find words. 'We'll go to the pub next door.' They located a seat and ordered drinks and all the while Ashling couldn't stop staring at Clodagh. She looked good, she'd had her hair cut much shorter and it suited her.
'I've come to apologize,' Clodagh said akwardly. I've grown up an awful lot over the past few months. I'm different now.'
Ashling nodded stiffly.
'I see how selfish and self-obsessed I was and how cruel I've been,' Clodagh spilled. 'My punishment is having to live with all the damage I've caused. You hate me and I don't know if you've seen Dylan lately, but he's ruined. He's so angry and ... hard.'
Ashling agreed. She didn't like being around him any more.
'Did you know that I asked him to come back and he wouldn't?'
Ashling nodded. Dylan had almost taken out an ad on national television to publicize it.
'Serves me right, huh?' Clodagh managed a weak smile.
Ashling didn't answer.
'We've sold the house in Donnybrook and me and the kids are living in Greystones now. Miles out, but it was all we could afford. I'm a single-mother now since Dylan decided he couldn't cope with custody. It's a steep learning curve -'
'What was it all about?' Ashling interrupted sharply.
Clodagh twitched anxiously at the anger in Ashling's voice. 'Something I've been asking myself a lot.'
'And? Any conclusions? Bad patch in your marriage? They all have them, you know.'
Clodagh swallowed nervously. 'I don't think it was just that. I should never have married Dylan. This is probably hard to believe but I don't think I ever really fancied him. I just thought he was the kind of man you married - he was so good-looking and charming and had a good job and was responsible ...' She glanced around anxiously at Ashling, whose set, thunderous face wasn't exactly encouraging. 'I was twenty and selfish and I didn't have a clue.' Clodagh longed to be understood.
'And what about Marcus?'
'I was desperate for some fun and excitement.'
'You could have taken up bungee-jumping.'
Clodagh nodded miserably. 'Or white-water rafting.' But Ashling didn't laugh. She'd honestly thought she would. 'I was unfulfilled and frustrated,' Clodagh attempated. 'At times I used to feel like I was being suffocated -'
'Lots of mothers are bored and frustrated,' Ashling snapped. 'Lots of people are. But they don't have affairs. Especially not with their best friend's boyfriend.'
'I know, I know, I know! I can see that now, but at the time I was clueless. I'm sorry, I just thought I should have anything I wanted because I was so miserable.'
'But why Marcus? Why my boyfriend?'
Clodagh reddened and looked at her lap. She was taking a real risk admitting this. 'Probably anyone would have done.'
'But it was my boyfriend you picked. Because you didn't have any respect for me.' Ashling cut to the heart of the matter.
Shamefaced, Clodagh admitted,'Not enough. Which I hate myself for. I've spent the past months feeling guilty and shitty about it. I'd give my left tit for you to forgive me.'
After a long, sweaty pause Ashling sighed heavily. 'I forgive you. Like, who am I to judge?' I've hardly lived a perfect life. As you pointed out, I was a total victim.'
'Oh, I'm sorry!'
'Don't be, you were right.'
Clodagh's face lit up. 'Does that mean we can be friends again?
Another long pause as Ashling thought about it. She and Clodagh had been friends since they'd been five. Best friends. They'd lived through childhood, adoloscence and early adult-hood together. They shared a common history and no one would know her the way Clodagh knew her. That sort of friendship is rare. But ...
'No,' Ashling broke the tense silence. 'I forgive you, but I don't trust you. To lose one boyfriend to your friend is misfortunate, but to lose two is careless.'
'But I've changed. I really have.'
'It doesn't matter,' Ashling said sadly.
'But ... ' Clodagh objected.
'No!'.
Clodagh realized it was pointless. 'OK,' she whispered. I'd better go. I really am sorry, I just want you to know that ... Bye.'
As she left she found she was shaking. It hadn't gone the way she'd hoped. The last few months had been nasty in the extreme for Clodagh. She was shocked and indeed surprised by how painful she found her life. Not just her new grim, single-mother circumstances, but the insight she'd been given into her own self-seeking behaviour.
Contrition was a new emotion for her, and she'd expected that if she explained the understanding she'd had into her selfishness, and stressed how very sorry she was, she'd be forgiven. That instantly everything would be perfect again. But she'd underestimated Ashling and she'd learnt yet another lesson: just because she was sorry didn't mean people were ready to forgive her and just because people forgave her didn't mean she'd feel any better.
Sad and lonely and still burdened with the fruits of her destruction, she wondered if she'd ever be able to fix all that she'd broken. Would anything ever be normal again?
As she passed Hogan's a crowd of boys noticed her and began whistling and shouting compliments. At first she ignored them, then on a whim tossed her hair and gave a dazzling over-the-shoulder smile which elicited whoops of wild appreciation from them. All at once her heart lifted.
Hey, life goes on.
The End.
