Monday, May 11, 2009
Who Is He?
11-MAY-2009:
I attended my first Wednesday session last week and the question put to me was what I see God as and how do I arrive at that idea? My first thought was that God was not something or someone to be 'seen' but 'felt' and it is often not easy to describe how you feel, especially when you don't always think about what you feel because you feel with your heart, not your mind.
In the end, I didn't answer the question but made a mental note to think about it later.
And so I thought about it and my thoughts were so jumbled up that bear in mind what I write here may not accurately reflect what I truly feel now, but I'll try my best.
I think of God as my Protector. Even though God is not tangible, I feel that He is physically there (however unseen or untouchable), like the clouds in the sky following me wherever I go, watching over me. Like the air that I breathe, surrounding me, seeing everything that I do, hearing every word that I speak. More than that, He also knows what I don't speak and how I feel, because He also lives in me. He can be at many places at a time so that he can also watch over my husband and my son.
God is my Compass. I do not expect God to show me the way all the time because a compass is not a sat nav. A compass can only tell me which way is north, but with a Compass, it is easier to follow my instincts, to trust myself to make the right the decision. In the same way, while God may not show me my destination, He will let me know if I went the wrong direction. Which is why I don't think about where I'm going to live, which country I'm going to settle in and how many kids I'm going to have anymore. I will get there when I get there. You know what, once I've written that down, I realized that it's true I don't think about them anymore!
By the way, interception - most of you already know but if you don't, I'm 16 weeks pregnant, so while I don't think about how many more kids I'm going to have, I still think about this baby and pray with all my heart that everything will be just fine this time.
God is Boundary. I'm really embarassed to say this because I think it sounds a bit silly, but I fear Him like I feared my own dad when I was small. Will I hurt someone if this boundary doesn't exist? Will I steal? Will I be cruel? Without a doubt, the answer is no. Not intentionally, anyway. But God not only sets a boundary for my actions but my thoughts as well. The boundary helps tame the *Green Eyed Monster* in me and stops unkind thoughts from crossing over the line.
Finally, one of my friends (one of you actually) recently told me that her image of God is based on the authority figures in her life such as her parents. I couldn't feel more contrary than that because to me God is everything that my father should be but wasn't/isn't - a protector, a provider of love and security. Before any of you gets any ideas, I don't hate him. I guess I'm just disappointed and sometimes angry.
Another friend told me just yesterday that if I really do find God, I will have no fear over anything at all. Well, I guess I haven't truly found God then because I still feel fear - in my dreams and when I'm awake. But let me tell you friend, my fear only set in when I became a mother. So perhaps we should discuss this again when you're a mother yourself? *Grin*
By the way, happy Mother's Day to all of you who celebrated the U.S version of Mother's Day!
