New Kid On The Blog

26-MAY-2009:

Last week has been a busy one. First, there was suddenly a lot of work (at work), plus I took Monday off so even more work for me when I got back to the office on Tuesday. And then, on Wednesday I worked from home and although there was work to do there wasn't any motivation to do any of it. It was the most unproductive day of the week, and naturally more work piled up for Thursday and Friday.

I am also reading another one of Marian Keyes' books and have reached the point where it is unputdownable, which means every free second is spent with my nose burying in the book. On top of that, after last Wednesday's session at church I was told to read the book of Acts (homework, supposedly). Sometimes I got so sleepy reading it that I kept reading the same line over and over again and kept reading the same line over and over again and kept reading the same line over and over again. Oops! Sorry. Therefore I've been alternating my reading between the Acts and Marian Keyes - normally Marian Keyes would get a more favourable treatment (undoubtedly).

On Saturday, we made a trip to Oxford Street. The mission was to get a pair of shoes for Dominic, a pair of shoes for myself and birthday present for a friend. As always, mission accomplished. :-) The weather was exceptionally warm, so the next day we decided to go the beach! We went to Brighton. We've been there when Dom was a baby but we thought this time he would appreciate it more. Besides, it's the nearest beach to London. It was such a long, tiring day that I thought I would just knock out as soon as we got home. But No. It so happened that Twilight (the movie) was showing on TV that day and I recorded it! And I watched it till past midnight.

What do I think of the movie? I think it was quite disappointing. It was one of the greatest love stories I've read but I didn't feel anything in the movie. I didn't feel the chemistry, didn't feel the bonding. The conversations in the book were written so beautifully (especially when Edward spoke in an 18th century kind of way) but they were not said in the movie. Many scenes were changed, but I think it was necessary to change those scenes for the sake of people who haven't read the book, otherwise they wouldn't understand what was going on, since there wasn't enough time to film every detail. However, I like the baseball scene - that was my favourite.

The following Monday was a bank holiday and I didn't step out of the house at all. I read my book(s), did some filing, did some cleaning up in the kitchen (i.e. throwing out the expired stuffs) and before I knew it, it was evening already. Sigh!

The Britain's Got Talent semi-finals have started since Sunday and will run throughout the week. My evenings are so busy now since I have to allocate time to watch that as well. :p

# posted by Skye @ 10:13 am 0 comments

20-MAY-2009:

The baby is 17 weeks old now and I have started feeling it kick this week. It was more like something poking me from the inside. I've only one ultrasound scan so far - at 12 weeks - and the baby was extremely active. I have no idea yet if it's a girl or a boy but I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter.

I had a dream 2 nights before. I dreamt that I met up with the wife, she checked me up, said a few things and then she asked if I would like to know the gender of the baby. I said yes, of course. She showed me a photo of my ultrasound and asked me what I saw there. There was no doubt at all - I saw a penis. In my dream, I felt disappointment, and when I awoke I was more disappointed at the way I felt in the dream. I shouldn't be disappointed. I should be happy and I should yell - it's a boy! It really shows that I haven't convinced myself yet that I don't mind. But to be fair, I was disappointed too when the doctor told me that Dom was a boy, and look how much I adore him now. Seriously, I had already chosen a girl's name for Dom and he turned out to be a boy.

Dom has been really sweet about the whole thing. He kept asking why the baby's not out yet. He said he'll share his toys and he picked out toys from his toy box that are "baby's toys". He said he'll give the baby his high chair. He kissed my tummy and asked if he can touch the baby. When I said yes, he touched my tummy with feather light touches that I could hardly feel anything. When I pressed his hand firmly on me, he said, no mummy, be gentle, don't squash the baby. He keeps calling me fat. In fact, whenever he sees a fat person, he asks if that person is pregnant. One day, we were at the GP waiting for my appointment and he shouted (quite loudly considering the clinic was quiet), "Look! That people is fat!", pointing at an obese woman who just walked out of the doctor's office. I shushed him and said it's rude to call people fat. That woman either didn't notice or if she did, she didn't show any signs. About 2 weeks later, we were having lunch and another obese woman was nearby (there are quite a lot of them here). This time, he whispered, "Daddy, look. Is there a baby inside?". Daddy said, "I don't know but it's good that you spoke softly!"

I am 50kg now and I don't think that's too much. Is it? I can't be sure about my pre-pregnancy weight but assuming that it was 45kg, I've already gained 5kg.

# posted by Skye @ 11:06 am 1 comments

18-MAY-2009:

Last Wednesday's topic was about Jesus. What have I learnt about him? What do I think of him? What do other people think of him?

But never mind about that. What interests me is the relationship between Jesus and his mother, Mary. I believe that Jesus was Mary's first child, otherwise how could she be a virgin?

I can't even begin to find the words to emphasize how important a child is to his mother. Suddenly you find your whole priority in life shift to the child. You start to address your husband as 'daddy', your parents are now known as 'grandma' and 'grandpa' instead of mum and dad. Now, 'darling' and 'sweetheart' refer to the child, not your husband. Sadly, everything in your life as dropped a notch in your priority list because now at number 1 is that beloved child.

And yet, Jesus was not really Mary's son, was he? She was just a surrogate mother. In fact, very little was said at all about their relationship in the bible. Jesus had other priorities far more important than his mother. I think Mary would have been devastated and heartbroken to see her own son (although not really her son but one she carried for 9 months and gave birth to) detached from her life and she bearing very little importance in his life. I'm not saying what I think was really what happened but that's the feeling I get.

I don't think I could ever be that gracious if I'm told that my son was the messiah and that he had to die to save the world. I would probably say, kill me instead.

# posted by Skye @ 12:02 pm 1 comments

28-April-2009:

I had a horrible dream. Dom and I were walking on the pavement of a busy street (with fast cars) and he ran ahead of me. I yelled at him to stop but he didn't listen. I couldn't run after him because I was pregnant in the dream. And then he ran across the street! He got to there safe, but when he saw that I was still on the other side, he ran back! Again, fortunately nothing happened to him. I almost had a heart attack (in the dream I mean).

10-May-2009:

I was at the hospital (for what reason I'm not sure). Saimun, Dom and my parents-in-law were there. Somebody said he/she was hungry, so we decided to drive out for some food. We went to a food court, and then I remembered that the doctor was coming for a checkup like about now, so I said I must get back to the hospital. Saimun said he will 'ta-pau' food for me. My mother-in-law took me back. She couldn't drive but with almighty strength, she pulled/pushed the car (actually I think it was a truck) with me sitting in it, all the way back to the hospital. Obviously I couldn't help and had to remain in the car/truck because I was either ill or weak (in the hospital, remember?). Dom hesitated between coming with us and staying with his daddy. Finally, he came with us. When I got back to the hospital room, it wasn't a hospital room anymore - more like a hotel with nice pillows and a TV and VCR recorder. For some reason my mother-in-law had disappeared and my father-in-law was there instead. And there was my aunt (the one who lives in Ipoh). We chatted for a while and then there was loud music from next door. My brother and my cousin David (Cattypants' brother) were styaing next door. My father-in-law asked if I would like to record something from the TV and I said no, we've got everything recorded at home. Then we heard Saimun coming back with food and from the crack at the door I could see that he had at least 3 styrofoam boxes of food with him. I was starving, but he went next door into my brother's room instead and he was there a pretty long time. I was getting annoyed and I complained to the people in the room. Finally, Saimun came in with just ONE styrofoam box. I opened it and it was some unappetizing 'Cheong Fun' in brown sauce with brinjals. I said I didn't like it and refused to eat. I said, you had 3 boxes and you couldn't let me choose first (obviously the 2 brats next door had taken all the good stuffs). He said, "But David WARNED me to let him choose first"! At that, I got up and stormed into the room next door. The 2 brats were sitting on the bed with food in their hands and watching TV. On the table, there were several empty boxes. It looked like they had a real feast (bloody hell). There were some unopened boxes on the table too and I found a packet of fishball noodles. I said, can I take this? And they both shrugged, not even paying attention to me, their eyes fixed on the TV set and mouth chewing. One of them said, yeah, we're already stuffed actually. Then the alarm went off.

12-May-2009:

I woke up and I was in the front passenger seat of a car. Saimun was driving. There were other people in the back but I can't be sure who. I think Dom was there but I'm not sure too. We were in a city that looked very familiar. I said, isn't this Puchong? And somebody said yes. It looked different from what I remembered though - there were lots of new buildings and buildings under construction. I said I missed this country very much. Then a car zoomed past from the opposite direction and narrowly missed us. I said to Saimun, be careful, this is a rented car. We had been driving for a long time ... probably all the way from London (if that's possible). The number plate on our car was a UK one. And then we parked in front of a car service/accessories shop. When I turned, the driver wasn't Saimun anymore. It was my mum. It's funny because I haven't dreamt of her in a long time. I asked her why we were stopping there because I thought we were going to get something to eat. She said she needed to get some spare parts for her car. I said, for MY car you mean. No, it's my car, she argued. And we spent some time bickering and it was good fun. I don't remember what happened after that but I woke up and realized that I can't be bickering with her because she's dead. And for the first time since many, many years I cried for her like I did 9 years ago.

# posted by Skye @ 8:46 am 1 comments

11-MAY-2009:

I attended my first Wednesday session last week and the question put to me was what I see God as and how do I arrive at that idea? My first thought was that God was not something or someone to be 'seen' but 'felt' and it is often not easy to describe how you feel, especially when you don't always think about what you feel because you feel with your heart, not your mind.

In the end, I didn't answer the question but made a mental note to think about it later.

And so I thought about it and my thoughts were so jumbled up that bear in mind what I write here may not accurately reflect what I truly feel now, but I'll try my best.

I think of God as my Protector. Even though God is not tangible, I feel that He is physically there (however unseen or untouchable), like the clouds in the sky following me wherever I go, watching over me. Like the air that I breathe, surrounding me, seeing everything that I do, hearing every word that I speak. More than that, He also knows what I don't speak and how I feel, because He also lives in me. He can be at many places at a time so that he can also watch over my husband and my son.

God is my Compass. I do not expect God to show me the way all the time because a compass is not a sat nav. A compass can only tell me which way is north, but with a Compass, it is easier to follow my instincts, to trust myself to make the right the decision. In the same way, while God may not show me my destination, He will let me know if I went the wrong direction. Which is why I don't think about where I'm going to live, which country I'm going to settle in and how many kids I'm going to have anymore. I will get there when I get there. You know what, once I've written that down, I realized that it's true I don't think about them anymore!

By the way, interception - most of you already know but if you don't, I'm 16 weeks pregnant, so while I don't think about how many more kids I'm going to have, I still think about this baby and pray with all my heart that everything will be just fine this time.

God is Boundary. I'm really embarassed to say this because I think it sounds a bit silly, but I fear Him like I feared my own dad when I was small. Will I hurt someone if this boundary doesn't exist? Will I steal? Will I be cruel? Without a doubt, the answer is no. Not intentionally, anyway. But God not only sets a boundary for my actions but my thoughts as well. The boundary helps tame the *Green Eyed Monster* in me and stops unkind thoughts from crossing over the line.

Finally, one of my friends (one of you actually) recently told me that her image of God is based on the authority figures in her life such as her parents. I couldn't feel more contrary than that because to me God is everything that my father should be but wasn't/isn't - a protector, a provider of love and security. Before any of you gets any ideas, I don't hate him. I guess I'm just disappointed and sometimes angry.

Another friend told me just yesterday that if I really do find God, I will have no fear over anything at all. Well, I guess I haven't truly found God then because I still feel fear - in my dreams and when I'm awake. But let me tell you friend, my fear only set in when I became a mother. So perhaps we should discuss this again when you're a mother yourself? *Grin*

By the way, happy Mother's Day to all of you who celebrated the U.S version of Mother's Day!

# posted by Skye @ 11:37 am 0 comments

6-MAY-2009:

Today, I would like to tell a story. A story that sent shivers down my spine and made my hair stand. Mel, this is for you because this has a lot more details than what I told you.

(Beware ... very long story)

James and Gus were husband and wife. (Note: Gus was a woman, short for Augustus). Gus was 8 months pregnant with Christopher. They had a new neighbour: Michael and Melanie. Melanie was 3 months pregnant with Emily. As different as they were, they soon became very good friends, even more so after the babies were born. Gus was Melanie's birth partner because Michael didn't make it on time. Emily shared the same cot with Christopher on the day she was born.

As babies, Chris and Emily hanged out together a lot, even though it may not have been their choice. At 4 years old, their mums caught them naked because they were curious about why they were different - why did Chris has a penis while Emily had a vagina? (Note that I may not have got the age exactly right, but more or less).

As they grew older, one of their favourite games was 'Truth or Dare'. They would dare each other to make prank calls, to sneak into their parents' bedroom when they were supposed to be in bed, etc. At the age of 9, Emily dared Chris to kiss her and they had their first kiss.

One day, during lunch at McDonald's, Chris dared Emily to take a pee in the men's toilet and she took it. As a result, she was in there for no more than 5 minutes and ended up being sexually molested by a creepy guy who worked there. She said nothing to anybody.

At the age of 13, Chris and Emily started dating each other, which was what everyone had been rooting for. It was no puppy love. The relationship was emotionally intense, like they couldn't exist without each other, like they were one. To Emily, Chris felt more like family than anything else, which was why she became uncomfortable with Chris' sexual advances when they were around 16 years old. It was also due to her unfortunate experience in the men's toilet that she found the whole business dirty and unbearable. Although she loved Crhis but not exactly the same way he felt for her. She felt that making love with Chris was like having sex with her brother. She didn't tell Chris how she felt because she thought that it might hurt him and she loved him too much.

At the age of 17, Emily discovered that she was pregnant. She attempted abortion but that didn't go through. Chris would have no doubt married her if he knew, but Emily didn't want that. How could she marry him when she had to throw up and scrub herself clean everytime she had sex with him? She wanted things to stay as they were ... forever. Therefore suicide was a solution.

The first time he told Chris, he laughed. The second time she told him, he ignored her. The third time she told him, he listened. He couldn't understand and she didn't say what was bothering her but he promised to be there. He thought that he could go with the game and eventually talk her out of it. On "the night", he took his father's gun and two bullets. He was going to be there when Emily killed herself. He walked away because he couldn't face it, but went back only to find that Emily couldn't do it herself. She begged Chris to do it for her. She put the gun in his hand, moved his hand to her temple, placed her own hand on Chris' hand and she said "Now, Chris, now ...". And the trigger went off. Emily was dead. Chris was injured but alive. But who actually pulled the trigger?

The police charged Chris with 1st degree murder. He (or rather his lawyer) told the police that it was a double suicide that didn't go well but they didn't buy his story. His lawyer was totally convinced that his argument would get Chris free. In fact, he didn't even want to know the truth about what really happened, although Chris was intent on telling him.

What's really interesting about the story was how the parents reacted to the situation. Gus' first reaction at the hospital was to thank God that Emily was the one dead and not Chris. Selfish as it sounds, I think I would have the same thought too. Melanie's reaction was equivalent - it wasn't fair that her daughter was dead while Chris was still alive. Even though if Chris was dead too, it would not have brought Emily back, but somehow that ought to lessen the pain ... as if it would make it less painful if the pain was shared. Again, horribly selfish but understandable.

James (Chris' father) was a hard man and would not let any crisis affect his life. If he acted as if everything was all right, then everything would be all right. Because he didn't want to talk about things, this eventually strained his relationship with Gus, because to her, he didn't care. Michael (Emily's father) blamed himself for not noticing that his daughter was suicidal or even a tiny bit depressed. He had no idea at all. Of course, Melanie had the same thought but it was easier for her to put the blame on someone else, which was why when Chris was charged with murder, she was the first one to be convinced that he was guilty as charged. That was why she didn't see the signs, because there was no sign to be seen - her daughter was a happy, fulfilled child with a bright future and loving family, who was murdered by her boyfriend who didn't want their baby.

Gus (Chris' mum) was totally convinced that Chris was innocent. Michael (Em's dad) could not believe that Chris could kill Emily but he couldn't be sure. After all, his daughter was dead and he had to be *loyal* to her. In any case, he agreed to testify for the defence and that drove Melanie mad.

James (Chris' dad) on the other hand refused to think about it and concentrated on getting on with life ... perhaps even tried to forget that his son ever existed. (Note that everyone here still thought that it was a double suicide and knew nothing about what really happened).

The trial was excellent. Both prosecutor and defence lawyers were amazing, although it was quite obvious that the defence had the upper hand. It wasn't until the last moment that the trial took a huge turn. What happened was, Gus was supposed to be the final witness. All she needed to say was that she believed Chris didn't kill Emily. And she really did believe that until she visited Chris the night before she went on the stand, and a frustrated Chris who couldn't tell anyone what really happened blurted out "I shot Emily". That was all he said, leaving Gus to imagine the worst. Therefore, it was no wonder that while testifying on the stand, she couldn't look Chris in the eye. At a final turn, he requested to put himself on the stand and told the truth of what really happened.

Chris' defence lawyer was simply amazing. He had Chris sign a disclaimer since he would have no liability at all if Chris wanted to f**k himself up, but he really turned the case around. Were you holding the gun when Emily was shot? Yes. Was your hand on the trigger? Yes. Was Emily's hand on your hand? Yes. Was Emily's hand on the trigger? I don't know. Did Emily say "Now, Chris, now"? Yes. Can you say without a doubt that it was your actions alone that caused the shot? I don't know. Well, the interrogation was more lengthy than that but that's all I can remember.

So in the end, you might have guessed that the jury returned a not guilty verdict. You see, Chris didn't say 'no' to the last question because he wasn't sure himself. He said 'I don't know'. If the defendant himself wasn't even sure what happened, how could anyone else say without reasonable doubt that he committed murder?

Melanie and Michael moved away and the two families stopped being friends. Their new home had three rooms - one for Melanie, one for Michael and one for Emily. On the other hand, although the relationship between Gus and James was strained during the *crisis* but once it was over all was forgotten (although not entirely) and they became a loving couple again. At least they didn't sleep in separate rooms. It's interesting how a tragedy can lead to another just because of how people reacted to the situation. The times when you most needed support would probably be the time you realized the person you most depended on aren't the person you knew.

Boy ... this is a long story. By the way, this is from the book The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. Highly recommended.

# posted by Skye @ 9:22 pm 0 comments